Something's just not right in your relationship, and you can't put your finger on it. So here's some help. If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands.
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A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for a exclusive commitment almost immediately.
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JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
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CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
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UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
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ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
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BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
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MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I am angry" or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious is the claim: "You make me happy."
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HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming that his or her feelings are hurt when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.
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CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
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"PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
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VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
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RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
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SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.
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PAST BATTERING: Admits hitting a mate in the past, but says they made him (or her) do it or the situation brought it on.
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THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, "I'll break your neck, or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
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If the abuse has gone this far, it's time to get out!
The toll-free number for the domestic violence hot line is (800) 799-7233.
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These signs of an abusive partner
have been adapted from the
Project for Victims of Family Violence
in Fayetteville, Ark.